down to my last yacht

This week has been miserable as it is every year, throw in my newly found quadro and I have been in a very black headspace. I have been miserable and snapping at everyone. Poor Erica has caught the brunt of my anger/pain. It’s true. We always hurt the ones we love the most. I have been nothing more than a piece of shit to her. I realize this and realize I had to do something to put a smile back on her face. It’s not gonna be overnight. I have work to do. But we started on Thursday where our apartment building had a bingo event at 2 PM. It was silly and goofy and fun. In between games there was a giveaway. Erica won a portable juicer!


I had two cards and then one game I was one chip away from yelling bingo. I didn’t know how often this happens as it’s never happened to me but the one letter I was short with the same on both cards. The DJ shouted “G 53”. I yelled “bingo! Bingo times two!”

Friday is grocery day. This week I piggybacked our rides. We went to the Mexican grocery store first and then to our usual groceria. It’s been my first time to the Mexican joint in almost a year.



Hot sauce and ramen for the win.

We’re not trendy people. Probably due to our ridiculous cynicism. Our building does food trucks every couple weeks but because of the extravagant pricing and dwarf portions we tend to shy away. We’ve had a guy here for the past two weeks and Friday night we decided to give him ago. Pretty plain fare which I appreciated. I had a smoked sausage and Erica had a shrimp Po'boy. Absolutely fabulous. We are looking forward to visiting him again.
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Yesterday I booked us a trip to Walmart. I have a strict “once a year“ policy but since I didn’t go last year I can go to twice this year. Erica wanted to buy some household stuff so I decided to freshen up my look. I grabbed a couple of funky shorts, couple Hawaiian shirts and a package of new earrings. New socks and under britches. Erica is working today until 2 PM but has tomorrow off as it’s a therapy day. I didn’t book any rides other than therapy but now I have to begin thinking that way. Even though our transport system is stupid and unreliable I would rather be waiting for the bus then lying on the bed doing nothing.
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they said it would pass in time

April 20, 2001 I went to bed and everything in my world is normal.

April 21, 2001 at roughly 6:30 AM my phone rang. I didn’t bother getting out of bed mainly because it scared the hell out of me while I was slumbering. The answering machine kicked in and the voice started. “Hey,it’s mom. I just wanted to let you know your father died last night. Call me when you get this“.

My plan for that Saturday was yo do laundry and then go to the convention center to see a seminar type by Alton brown and Tyler Florence. My plans for the day changed and the plan for the rest of my life was changed. Things have not been quite right every since.

Dad, I miss you. I never told you that I love you, respect you and how important you are to me. All I did was acting like a typical teenager and shitty young adult. I will never forgive myself for those days. I wish I had been a better son and then maybe things between us might’ve been better.

It’s been a lifetime since my father died. When he left I was still a long haired punk with nothing good to say to anyone. I never had children and one of the main reasons was I could not bear having a child who treated me as a father the way I treated people. I don’t mean to imply that every moment of my years were awful but I had a me first attitude and didn’t care about helping out other people. It didn’t bother me to throw a pointed barb at anyone if I thought it would get me a laugh. If your feelings got hurt that’s on you. I spent 20 years expelling all of this energy trying to be cool and then the next 40 years trying to make up for it with the people I love.

Jay S Kloss
Big Jay
Grumpy
2/19/42-4/21/2001