Fueled by Ramen and cheap beer (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
somedayseattle) wrote2024-01-28 01:14 pm
somedayseattle) wrote2024-01-28 01:14 pm
a pile of rocks
I started rehab at the spinal cord injury center on November 31. My first therapy session was with Carlin. I had absolutely no experience in being a cripple. He literally lifted me off the bed and put me in a wheelchair. I will never forget that. Carlin is a great guy. AnyWho, when I hit rehab I was in a very, very dark place. I was bitter and angry. Especially at the insurance company who let me sit in general population for nine days as they pounded out the details of rehab. In general population you get a visit from a nurse every couple hours. That’s it. Don’t get up, don’t move around, just lay there. Nine goddamn days of just laying there watching TV. Pondering my future as a guy whose legs don’t work.
As previously touched upon, the rehab center employees saved my life. I was never suicidal but I didn’t have a very cheery outlook either. I was explaining all of this to one of the random mental health people who came in early in my stay. She had plenty of well constructed words for what came across as robotic and pre-scripted. I told her I felt hopeless. She said I could be a para-scholar. A para-athlete. A para-student. A para-inspiration. Pick out several words and drop “para” in front of them. As you all know one thing I vehemently despise is soft language. I told the woman simply dropping that prefix on a word doesn’t change my outlook in life. I was none of those things beforehand so why would I be them now. She said there’s a world of opportunity for wheelchair people. She acted as if i had been given a gift and should be thrilled to be paralyzed. Yeah? I can’t go swimming. I can’t go hiking. I can’t go see live music. I can’t go see J-Nic’s new apartment on the second floor. There is not a world of opportunities for paraplegics. There’s a world of replacements of your previous life. i am not an inspiration for anyone. I am a para-dickhead in a wheelchair. The only difference between my dickhead life today and my dickhead life six months ago is the wheelchair. I think most people would do well with a little more truthfulness and a little less fantasy blowing up their ass in cases like this. Being home is so much a lonelier world than being in a hospital surrounded by people. Things are going to be hard on me mentally moving forward. I still have to deal with disability from the government, food stamps application, the various in-home therapies etc. It’s a para-pain in my ass but it must get done. Perhaps once I get past through the next several weeks I can be the most para-awesome para-fucker you’ve ever para-seen. But most likely I’ll be the same old cranky, whiny asshole you know and `love.
#JoeSwanson #StephenFawking #WheelchairLife #chippled #Ironsides
As previously touched upon, the rehab center employees saved my life. I was never suicidal but I didn’t have a very cheery outlook either. I was explaining all of this to one of the random mental health people who came in early in my stay. She had plenty of well constructed words for what came across as robotic and pre-scripted. I told her I felt hopeless. She said I could be a para-scholar. A para-athlete. A para-student. A para-inspiration. Pick out several words and drop “para” in front of them. As you all know one thing I vehemently despise is soft language. I told the woman simply dropping that prefix on a word doesn’t change my outlook in life. I was none of those things beforehand so why would I be them now. She said there’s a world of opportunity for wheelchair people. She acted as if i had been given a gift and should be thrilled to be paralyzed. Yeah? I can’t go swimming. I can’t go hiking. I can’t go see live music. I can’t go see J-Nic’s new apartment on the second floor. There is not a world of opportunities for paraplegics. There’s a world of replacements of your previous life. i am not an inspiration for anyone. I am a para-dickhead in a wheelchair. The only difference between my dickhead life today and my dickhead life six months ago is the wheelchair. I think most people would do well with a little more truthfulness and a little less fantasy blowing up their ass in cases like this. Being home is so much a lonelier world than being in a hospital surrounded by people. Things are going to be hard on me mentally moving forward. I still have to deal with disability from the government, food stamps application, the various in-home therapies etc. It’s a para-pain in my ass but it must get done. Perhaps once I get past through the next several weeks I can be the most para-awesome para-fucker you’ve ever para-seen. But most likely I’ll be the same old cranky, whiny asshole you know and `love.
#JoeSwanson #StephenFawking #WheelchairLife #chippled #Ironsides
no subject
I remember one day I was wearing a short dress while pushing her chair somewhere, and a guy cat called me, "Hello nurse!" like from Animaniacs.
Having to use a wheelchair sucks. Sorry you have to deal with it. There is no need to try to convince you it's a good thing.
no subject
I guess these mental health people are trying to give you something to grab hold of. But to me that kind of thing only increases the burden on someone trying to come to terms with one of the toughest cards life can deal them. There's an unfortunate trend now to make out that someone with a disability is no worse off than someone with one and that many people wouldn't give their disability back if they had the option. This comes from a good place, often from activists who are disabled themselves, in that it's trying to make disabled people feel less of the loss. But the toxic effect can be that as well as having to come to terms with a disability, the disabled person is made to feel like if they're not embracing their disability and loving it then they're doing disability wrong.
Well, screw that. As my business partner says "If they love it so much, let them try it". She thinks her disability sucks and given the option would get rid of it in a heartbeat. She also vomits at the idea of being an inspiration and refuses to be anybody's role model.
So, yeah, I agree with you. You've got some tough challenges ahead and you shouldn't have to try and feel like someone handed you a winning lottery ticket. That's just ridiculous. In fact I don't think you should have to think about that stuff at all unless you want to. At this point dealing with the day to day is more than enough to cope with.
I asked my business partner what she would want to say to someone in your situation. She said that the hopeful part she can truthfully offer you is that people are amazingly adaptable. Things will not look to you down the track like they do now.
And from my perspective: I don't regard myself as a carer, and there's no romantic relationship involved like there is with you and Erica, but as both friends and business partners we do a lot of things together so I'm pretty involved with helping my friend with a lot of different stuff including helping her navigate every time we leave the house. I noticed you saying Erica was pretty overwhelmed with the situation right now - that's entirely understandable. I was exactly the same. Like for the person who has the disability, it takes time and experience to get used to it. I'll never love it and my friend will never love that I have to do it. But see above about how people are adaptable.
no subject
chippled.
You still make me smile.
I hope we can keep you company. I know it's not as immediate as nurses showing up every random 30 min to two hours to poke and measure and .... well, i saw what it was like for my mom after her stroke. I can imagine some of what you've experienced from remembering the various rehab and care experiences. And that general population nightmare -- i remember it as just sort of forever twilight in the room, too. And i wasn't there the whole time.
And, gah, the bureacrazy.
So, no need to reply to this.