the old bam boo

Yesterday was another loop-the-loop in the ongoing roller coaster. I was about to head out to work when I got a call from Da Younga Sista. She told me that mom had taken a tumble and had developed a hematoma. The Unhappiest Place in America said they were sending her to Duke Regional Hospital. They made it sound like it was not that big of a deal. I got to work and after one lap around the track on the train, the Park assistant on duty came to tell me I had a phone call. Obviously if I’m getting a call at work it’s not good news. It was Da Younga. The hospital had called to tell her that mom had a heart attack and most likely would not survive it. If we want to come see her, now is the time. I called Da Olda Sista to break the news. We all headed up to the hospital. When I arrived Stepha-niece was in the lobby and both Headstrong Sistas were with mom. Da Olda came out and Stepha-niece went in. I’m not going to go in. I don’t want my last vision of my mother is to see her lying in a hospital bed with tubes and shit sticking out of her. I spent an hour or so in the lobby chatting with Olda. Eventually Stepha-niece and Younga came out to give us the details. The fall that caused mom’s hematoma resulted in an adrenaline surge to her heart. Her heart was working at about 50% capacity. Then came a lot of medical mumbo-jumbo. Truth is I was overwhelmed and checked out as Younga spoke of-
-cardiologists
-stent
-IV's
-blood thinner
-heart muscles
-drug names
-clotting

I was kind of overwhelmed but the final prognosis was a 48 hour IV of a blood thinner. If there’s any kind of clot the blood thinner should absolve it. I don’t like the sound of her heart working at 50% capacity but at least it’s working.

This has caused me to dwell on a concept someone mentioned in an Alzheimer’s support group. I wish I remember exactly the term but it was something along the lines of the horrible relief. It’s going to be horrible/terrible/great big bowl of suck to mourn the death of a loved one, but it’s also a relief that they have left the horribleness of mofo'n Alzheimers. I don’t want my mom to die but I also don’t want to see her the way she is. To me my mom died Mother’s Day of 2020 and all that’s left is the vessel that carried her spirit. I think I am as mentally prepared as possible to deal with her leaving. I am at peace with all of this.